FUSHIA TODAY
Ways to Help
1. Do be prepared to learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction. Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial. Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept their loved one as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This understanding goes a long way towards helping overcome the associated guilt and shame. No one is to blame. The problem is not caused through bad parenting or any other family shortcoming.
2. Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease. Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting rock bottom”. This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from their consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realised.
3. Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict. Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for court fines, paying rent, and loaning money are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. They then experience withdrawal symptoms and seek help.
4. Don’t make idle threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or drug addict. Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.
5. Don’t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments. Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one. Don’t preach or lecture, which are easily discounted by the addicted person. An addicted person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more would be.
6. Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one. For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount -or more- of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members – they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from these decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. The family then does not follow through on their decision not to enable.
7. Addiction is subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As addiction progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodating include locking up ones valuables, not inviting guests for fear the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
8. Do focus upon your life and responsibilities. Family members must identify areas of their lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned.
The addict will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual”. There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the idea of not enabling and even accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict – rather than by the family – can there be reason for hope of recovery.
